Oh Rufus, please shut up. I can't take it anymore. The poor little thing thinks he's a guard dog. Who knew I'd have a dog one day - a barking dog, marry my teacher, work in a cubicle, wearing Spanx and speaking funny office talk like ''I just wanted to touch base with you in regards to the schematic''. I've been practicing my appearance for the Jay Leno show for the last 13 years, where I'd say ''My first acting job was in an Icelandic summer theatre for tourists'' and Jay Leno would say ''Wow, Iceland - so do you know Bjork?'' and I'd say ''Well, our families are connected - we went to the same family parties when we were younger'' and he'd say something ass grabbing where I'd be very nonchalant but so funny and smart with my answers. It would be one of those interviews where Jay Leno gets a little red faced because he just realized that his guest is quicker and more clever than he is.
In the book The Secret they tell you that there is nothing more powerful than the imagination and that you need to know what you want. I've known what I want for the last two decades or so and I have a crispy clear picture of what my life is supposed to be like, but this picture, that is my life now, is completely wrong. Well, not the complete picture - my husband is the most handsome man I've ever seen and met, and my daughter is just adorable. It's my career, my bank account, the city I live in, my lack of fluent French speaking and freedom that needs a serious fix. All this needs to change before I turn forty and today is the first day of the rest of my life - I've taken a personal day to figure things out. I'm also exhausted and I need to rejuvenate. One needs to be absolutely clear minded and well rested when working on a life chancing material. I'd like to look at this as if I'm giving myself an inside-out makeover. I've read several self-help books, but this is not about being inspired by a certain way of being, thinking or living. My plan is simply to be me. To allow myself to be me. I want to take all the guidance from these books and forget them - just as if I'm going on stage and I leave all the prep work behind - just to be and do. I want to feel free with who I am and stop making excuses when people ask me what I do for a living, as well as stop lying to myself about loving my current job. My bed is now a camping ground for the day. I have everything I need for this project: my laptop, notebook, coffee, lemon-tart, Vogue, glass of water, tissue, Kiehl's lip balm # 1, and the remote control. I love Regis and Kelly. It's such a luxury to watch t.v. in the morning on a week day, kind of like having a glass of wine with lunch, or buying lingerie in an actual lingerie-boutique vs discount store. OK, now is time to gather and find structure. I'm going to rediscover myself and find out if there are any ill fitting obstacles on my agenda. What's truly in my way of getting what I want. Where are all the things that I've ordered from the Universe? I am going to start all over again - from scratch. Question No 1. What do I want?
I want to live in New York City, on the upper east side in a security building with a door man.
I want to speak French and go to Paris every other month, stay at the Ritz, buy Roger Vivier shoes and drink wine during lunch.
I want to have $370,000 in my savings account.
I want to be...
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Rediscovering oneself can be quite exhilarating and yet slightly depressing. My head is like an airport - busy trying to figure out who I want to be or mostly how I can do it. I know what I want, but I don't always admit it. What happened in my life is nothing to be shamed of. I've lived many lives and been to many places and yet I don't have it - I don't have my life. The life that I'm living is not mine. Today I am seven and a half months away from becoming a forty year old woman and where I am now has absolutely nothing to do with my original plan for myself. My plan was going to become an actress, a working actress. I was going to work with Woody Allen, Ingmar Berman (before he died) and Peter Brook and to be one of those actresses that choose their own work. The kind of an actress you'd say ''She has such an interesting career'', like Marisa Tomei or Juliette Binoche. I've been waiting for Woody to find me for over twenty years and I'm exhausted. I did become close once, so very close. I met him and everything - I had a plan, but it fell through. Today my professional title is “marketing coordinator” which feels and sounds more to me like “kind of a loser”. Interesting and chic 40-year-old women aren't coordinators - they are managers, directors, CEOs, editors or movie stars. Then there are those women that sacrificed it all and became martyrs, didn't have a drive or didn't go to college. Now if that was my case I'd be bitter and I would be jealous - towards every woman that had something I didn't. This is not my case.